The Nut Case

Jim and Edna were both patients in a psychiatric hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.…

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What Kids Taught Me

You find out interesting things when you have kids, like… 1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3.) A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder…

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The Redneck Lawsuit

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer ?” “Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer. “And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin ’em fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is…

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A Stinking Divorce

She spent the first day sadly packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down on the floor in the dining room by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of…

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A Wife’s Wishes

A despondent woman was walking along the beach when she saw a bottle on the sand. She picked it up and pulled out the cork. Whoosh! A big puff of smoke appeared. “You have released me from my prison,” the genie told her. “To show my thanks, I grant you three wishes. But take care,…

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The Very First Blond Guy Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.” The Mexican! opened…

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The Pickle Slicer

WARNING: Think Parental Guidance Before Reading!   Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had this urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested…

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Answering Machine Messages

The following is a list of messages you might wish to consider using for yourself: Answering Machine Messages 1. “Hi! Now you say something.” 2. “Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.” 3. “Hello, you are…

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Parking Tickets

  Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, ‘Come…

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The Geek

  A computer programmer was walking along the side of a lake when he came across a funny looking frog. The guy picked up the frog, put it into his pocket, and went on his way. A couple of minutes of walking later, the man heard a cry from inside his pocket, “help, help”! He…

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