L.C. Wright

Author

Category: Humor (page 1 of 3)

Weight Loss the Hard Way, Part 5

When I first started the diet aspect of what I’m doing, I was totally lost. Let’s get real folks. Diets are for the birds. I’m a big man with a healthy appetite and the idea of eating little proportions just couldn’t possibly work for me. At least that was what my mind was telling me. I didn’t have the knowledge I currently possess. (Even now, I don’t have the knowledge I need.) I wanted to lose the weight quickly so that I could get back to normal and just get it over with. I wasn’t thinking about making a lifestyle change. I just wanted the extra pounds to go away so I could be normal again. Boy did I have a lot to learn?

So here’s what I did.

I decided (at least believed.) that chicken was better than beef when it came to calories. I decided that chicken breasts are better than dark meat. I decided that out of all the ways to cook chicken, that boiling the meat was better than baking or frying it. So…My meals the first week consisted of boiled chicken breast with a side salad. It was awful. My morning meals consisted of two bowls of cereal with whole milk and I skipped lunch because I thought that I could afford (or needed) to miss the calories. I was one of the most miserable people on the planet. I was too cheap to start Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers or any of the other pay as you go diet plans. Doing that might work for some people, but I didn’t want to live my life on a diet. I wanted to live like a normal person and get healthy with regular food that I could buy at the grocery store.

After a couple of weeks of boring boiled chicken, I decided that I might need to do something different. Boiled chicken for the rest of my life seemed like a great way to want to kill myself. So I found a calorie chart and started looking for things I actually liked so that I could possibly change things up a bit. I started boiling the chicken but about 15 minutes before it was done, I added a whole onion (thick slices) into the broth along with a clove of garlic and crushed red pepper. It added flavor.

I then figured out that if I boiled the chicken until it was almost done, pulled it from the water and sliced it into strips, that I could fry those strips in a very small covering of olive oil to a golden brown and also fry the onions at the same time until they carmelized and that the taste was even better. What I gave myself were options. Boiled one day with a salad. Boiled the next day with onions and garlic. Fried the next day with caramelized onions the third day for a flavor boost that was actually pretty good. I also realized that if I added bell peppers to the onions, the flavor would change even more for yet another surprising result. I discovered that I didn’t like the taste of green bell peppers, but I did like the taste of yellow and orange bell peppers. It was a beautiful discovery. It had good flavor, I could buy it at the local grocery store and it was light in calories. And if I mixed them up throughout the week, I found that I didn’t feel as if I was suffering the whole time.

Of course, this was early in my learning phase and I have come a long way since then. I’ve actually learned about good calories and bad calories. For example, do you know that the calories from white rice and the calories from brown rice are basically the same, yet the brown rice is so much better for you? Did you know that Whole wheat bread and whole grain wheat are very different? Did you know that looking at the labels of the food you eat actually matters and that if you want your body to work right, you need to make sure you get a lot of fiber in your diet? Did you know that salads are not just for the purpose of adding color to your meals? And you’ve been told that you need to take your vitamins, however, did you know that if you eat the proper foods, you don’t need to waste your hard earned cash on supplements because you can actually get all the vitamins you need from the food you eat? Did you know that eating right is actually cheaper than eating normally? It is!

Look, folks. I’m sounding like a newly converted religious person trying to shove my knowledge down your throats and I don’t mean to be. I started this process eight months ago and frankly, there have been times when I wanted to throw my hands up and just quit. It’s hard. It takes discipline. It can be a pain in the ass. But, it’s worth it. If something isn’t working for you, that doesn’t mean it’s a bad program. It just means you need to adapt to something that does work for you. There are too many choices out there to get it right the first time or all the time, but you can find what you need. I know that because I’m doing it.

So, I’ll stop here for the day and hope that I’ve hit on something that makes sense and matters to you. If not, just remember it matters to me and be happy for me. I am.

Lannie

Don’t forget to check out my mystery novels. They’re easy to find. Just look to the right side of this page and they are all there, ready for your consumption. Ooh…consumption. Does that mean they’re edible? Oh, my. (sigh!)

Weight Loss the Hard Way, part 4

As promised, I’m going to talk to you about the things that have helped me get to where I am and where I want to go.

The first thing I needed when I got started was to throw away some of my old thought processes about how to eat properly. I used to think calories in, versus calories was the only thing that mattered if you broke it down to the core. I learned the hard way that, though it was correct in a sense, it was incomplete. It’s kind of like the old saying, “Practice makes perfect.” On the surface, it makes sense. However, if you really think about it, practice doesn’t make perfect, practice makes permanent. Only perfect practice makes perfect–permanently.

With eating, you only get the results you want if you learn the best way to do it correctly. The calories you take in need to be the right kind of calories. They need to be consumed in a manner that makes the most sense to your body. The intake needs to be spread out over the course of the day so that you don’t get the highs and lows that mess up your mind and so that your metabolism doesn’t get out of whack. It sounds difficult, but it isn’t. So look at it this way; Think of your body as a garden hose. Think of the food you consume as the water you need for your garden to grow properly. And remember that all the water you have for a given day to water those plants the proper amount is dependent on how you transfer that water through the hose.

Now in order for the analogy to work, the connection between the hose (your body) and the water (the calories you consume), the connection has to fit properly. You are responsible for how that water flows through the hose. You are responsible for how the hose is connected to the supply. There are no screws to hold it in place. The only thing putting it together is your ability to hold the hose against the water supply and hope that nothing leaks out.

Your body can only absorb so many nutrients at any given time. Just like a water hose can only take so much water through it at a given time. If you try to force too much water through the hose, it will spring a leak and you will lose nutrients needed for growth. If you apply too much pressure, you will lose water. The trick of getting everything you consume to work for you is to do it slowly over an extended period of time.

Figure out how many calories you need to take in during the day to remain healthy and productive and how many calories you need to burn in order for weight loss to happen. Then spread the food out over many meals. Don’t skip meals. If anything, increase the number of meals you have. If you only eat two meals a day because they are big meals, then eat four times a day and spread the nutritional intake at a rate your body can absorb. What you will find is that when you start doing this, your body will start telling you that you don’t need to eat as much because it’s getting what it needs from all of the smaller meals. You will actually slow down your intake because the extra food that has been wasted and not absorbed won’t be needed anymore.

Maybe look at it this way; If you are eating 4,000 calories a day, but your body is only absorbing 2,000 calories of nutrients, then your absorption rate is 50% of consumption. All the rest you take in is either turned to fat or passed through. (The technical term is poop.) Now, spread the meals into smaller meals several times a day, reduce the intake to 2,200 calories and your absorption rate sky rockets to 90% or more, you will have a lot less fat building or waste to work out. Add to that, an hour of exercise. Blow off 400-500 calories and low and behold, you’re losing weight.

It took me forever to get this idea into my thick brain. I knew for a fact that if I cut down my calories like Connie wanted me to that I would starve to death. I’m a big guy, and I needed big meals. It was simple physics. I was wrong. I didn’t need big meals. I needed a lot of little meals of the right kind of food. I know I’m spending a lot of time on this point and you’re probably starting to nod off. Just keep this in mind; I’m not telling you this so you can lose weight. I’m recording this so that you can lead a healthy life and live a lot longer and happier. I don’t yet have a six pack I desire, but I no longer have a keg either. And that’s progress.

Next week I want to talk to you about some of the meals I’m consuming and how to eat REAL food that you don’t have to pay a fortune for and cook it so that that it is healthy and tasty.

Lannie

P.S. Did I mention that you should check out some of my books? Just look to the right on this very page and you might find them. LOL

Weight Loss the Hard Way, part 3

Sticking with the exercise theme, my first week, back in January 2017, was a disaster. I was supposed to spend an hour on my bike every day. I believe by the end of the week I had actually ridden the damn thing four days and only two of them for an hour. How the hell was I supposed to make any progress that way? I was disappointed with myself and I was mad at the world. I knew, deep down, that I was slowly killing myself the way I was going and there didn’t seem to be anything I could do about it. I was a failure in the worst sense of the word. Once again, I wanted to quit. What’s the use, right?

The fact was, and it took me a while to realize it, that four partially successful days for the week was better than what I had done the week before. It came down to what I was measuring it against. Initially, I was comparing my results to the standards of perfection I had set. When I did that, I was an abject failure. And with that attitude, I knew that I wasn’t going to make it very far. Then I realized something that I’ve known all my life, everything is relative. For example; I stand 6’4″ and people tell me I’m tall. However, I have a brother who’s 6’8″ and I’m not so tall anymore. In this situation, I needed to re-establish my paradigm. Instead of comparing my efforts to perfection, I decided that I needed to compare my efforts to what I had been doing previously. With that in mind, I was a bloody success and able to start week two with a much better attitude.

None of us are perfect, however, if you have the right frame of reference, you can be successful. If you decide to start doing something about your weight, please keep that in mind. Do better this week than you did the week before.

When it came to eating (my diet if you will) I was a complete moron. I didn’t understand calories. I didn’t understand portions. I didn’t know about different ways to cook a meal. Or salt and sugar added. I was at a loss. When my nutritionist (Connie) brought out examples of the proportions I was supposed to use for different food items, I said, “Oh, hell no.” A pigmy would lose weight on what she was telling me. There was no way a big guy like me would last on that crap. I needed sustenance. I needed to feel like I had actually eaten something. What she suggested was downright crazy. Once again, I was stuck.

Are you starting to catch on to a trend here?

I didn’t know what I was doing and the strict rules of a diet were not going to get me there. I needed something else. I needed to find something I could live with and not feel like I was starving myself along the way. There was a solution out there, there had to be. I just didn’t know what it was. So Connie, the nutritionist, and I had a long conversation. We needed to come up with a system that would work for me. We needed me to try things that would accomplish the goals without making me crazy along the way. On my next blog post, I will tell you what I did and what I was able to accomplish. Maybe some of the results will help you too.

Lannie

p.s. Don’t forget to look to the right. They’re really good books, you know. ;-)

Weight Loss the Hard Way, part 2

I need to make something clear before I start the main text of this blog. I am NOT a weight loss guru. I am not a dietician. I am not a health freak or a weight trainer. I’m a 64-year-old fat man who has had to deal with a lot of discomforts from which my weight can be greatly attributed. As such, what I am sharing has to do with my issues and MAY help some other people dealing with similar problems. I hope it helps you or maybe you know someone else who needs a helping hand. Either way, this is for me for which I am willing to share.

Now…stepping gingerly off my soap box, I will continue.

When I realized that I was too fat and too out of shape for my own good, I did what most people do; I bitched about it to those close to me and made jokes about to everybody else. I didn’t want to be fat and I didn’t really think that it was funny. I just didn’t know what to do about it. It’s true, I did a few diet programs. I started and stopped dozens of exercise rituals. I even succeeded in losing a few pounds here and there. But just like Indiana Jones, I was able to find the lost weight and gained it back with a few of its friends.

It wasn’t until the end of last year when I started losing sleep and hurting all of the time that I knew I had to do something. I was miserable and so was everybody else who got close to me. So I went to my doctor who did my blood work. He sent me to an orthopedic doctor to see what I could do about my knees, back, ankles and shoulders and he sent me to a nutritionist.

The results were in. Collectively, they concluded that I was old and fat too. They said that I eat the wrong stuff (I won’t even dignify what I ate as food). I had injuries that they could only help with for small periods of time. And finally, they said that I sat on my ass too much. To which I replied with a dignified…duh! The only good news out of the entire ordeal was that my cholesterol was within normal limits. How the hell I managed that I will never know.

Anyway, here’s what I had to figure out: I had to decide whether I wanted to lose the weight enough to overcome my internal laziness. Please don’t take that as a joke. It’s a real thing. Trust me when I tell you that being lazy is an art form. I know more ways to procrastinate than the average person. I’m smart and creative and I’ve managed to figure out what it takes for me to put shit off for, “One more day”. I know that sometimes that all I have to do is come up with an excuse to just put something off for an hour, or even a few minutes, is enough to screw up a whole day. It takes practice, but by God, I was good at it. I had to realize that if I put it off any longer, there may not be a tomorrow to put it off too. And that’s when I realized my problem. I only had so many tomorrows and if I wanted to bank more, I had to start NOW! Not tomorrow.

Regarding exercise, my orthopedic doctor told me that I couldn’t run, jog or even walk for long distances. My knees couldn’t tolerate the extra pressure. He didn’t even want me to ride a bicycle for the same reasons. He informed me that I basically had two options; either I swim or get a recumbent bicycle. For those who don’t know like I didn’t know, a recumbent bicycle is one where you are leaning back on the seat and your feet are in front of you instead of under you. And since I didn’t have a pool handy, I splurged and got the bike. Unfortunately, even though I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth, I had to get a stationary bike. The scenery is beautiful, but the drivers are nuts. I wanted to live long enough to enjoy my, hopefully, new healthy self.

The rules for riding were made simple for me: Ride an hour a day. If you have to, break it up into two half hour segments or even 3 20 minute segments. But if possible, ride the one hour straight. The next part was even stranger, start off on slow and with the least resistance. For now, it wasn’t the exercise that was most important, it was the habit of doing the exercise. So this is where I’m going to impart my first ‘ah ha’ moment.

When I first tried to lose weight, I would do some really stupid things. I didn’t know it was stupid, but it was. I would test my limits. I would see how fast I could go. I would see how steep I could climb a hill. I would do a lot of crazy shit that would make me feel better about myself. The problem was, and I didn’t realize it, was that I was setting myself up to lose. I never had a chance to succeed. You see, I thought I had to be good at it. What I really needed was to be consistent with it. I had to get my priorities straight. Your body was made to move. It requires a person to be active. It helps your heart. It helps your digestive tract. It reduces your blood pressure. Movement isn’t just a good idea. It helps us live. That’s the point right? Now you can place other adjectives and adverbs behind the live word, like longer, healthier, better, and happier, but I prefer to just leave the sentence as it is. Movement helps us live. Now once you get in the habit of moving, you can start doing other things. Better things. Things that you haven’t done since you were a kid. But first, just get moving.

For me, it was the recumbent stationary bike. For you, it could be walking, or a treadmill. Don’t even bother jogging. That’s not what’s important. Just commit to one hour a day. Every day. To give yourself one hour to make your life better, happier and to feel better than you could imagine. I haven’t talked about eating yet. Would you like to know why? Okay. It’s not important…yet.

So get moving. Your life may just be on the line.

Lannie

btw…Don’t forget to look to the right and check out those books. Soon, you’ll need something to occupy your mind while you are doing that boring workout. LOL

Weight Loss the Hard Way

I know that the title of this post is contradictory to what every other weight loss program is about. And frankly, I’m not doing this for the purpose of teaching you how to lose weight or to even trying to talk you into losing weight. My main purpose is to share with people who are interested what I am doing to lose weight, my successes and failures and what it means to me as a result. Let’s be reasonable my friends, losing weight is hard. It’s boring and frankly, it’s a pain in the ass. I don’t like it. There are times when I want to pull my hair out. (To be truthful, I want to pull out other people’s hair.) And it seems almost daily that something happens that seems to be a REAL good excuse not to continue or at the very least, take a break. So if any of this sounds familiar and something you are interested in reading, please feel free to join me in my walk on the wild side of cutting a bunch of ugly fat off without it being my head.

First things first: When I started this process, I was a 63 years old, male 6’4″ tall and weighed in at 264.8 pounds. That’s the heaviest I have ever been in my life and I was uncomfortable as hell. I sat around during the day at my job and then I sat around in the evening either writing or reading a book. Of course, at night I lay in bed, but as you might presume, at that weight, I wasn’t very active there either. Please don’t get me wrong, I know there are a lot of people that have bigger problems than the ones I’m sharing. I know that. But, I’m not here to flop things on the table to see who has the bigger one. This is my blog and I think that if you can stop feeling sorry for yourself and hear what I’m saying that maybe you can benefit from it as much as I am.

Anyway, all things considered, I was on the road to several issues that could end in a serious fashion. And frankly, I’m not ready to die…or worse. Not now or anytime soon. Also, I’m not ready to end up sucking through a tube to breathe because I had a heart attack and placed on life support. But, all of that seems too far down the road to worry about. For me, anyway, the thing that bothered me the most was the pain that I’ve been dealing with every day and night because of the stress that extra weight added to my joints. I hurt folks. A lot. During the day I could barely walk or climb stairs and during the night I hardly slept. I needed to make it go away. And to do that, I needed to drop about 50 pounds.

Back in January of this year (2017), I went to see my doctor to get a physical and blood work just to see what limits I had if I was going to attempt this little venture. I knew that I would have to change what I ate. I knew that I was going to have to exercise, I just wanted to know my limitations. We all have them, by the way. I knew before I started that running a marathon wasn’t in the cards. I knew that with a knee injury I sustained a couple years ago that hasn’t fully healed that couldn’t even jog. I hurt too much. Those were my issues and I’m sure you have your own. But like me, you need to know what your limitations are. Well, I found out. Like expected, I was pretty much screwed. There wasn’t much I could do, but there were some things that I would just have to focus on.

Because of time constraints, I can’t write about everything all at once. It’s going to take time and I would certainly appreciate your input as I go forth. If you have issues you would like to discuss, please write about them. What I can tell you for now is that over the last six months, I have lost 29 pounds and have gained a lot of strength. I have a lot less pain than when I started and intend to lose another 15 lbs by the end of the year and hope to get myself a lot healthier by the time I am at the weight I want to be. On my next posting, I will explain what I have done so far and what I look out for on a regular basis. Please let me know if there is something I can do to help you with your journey as well. I am not selling any of this information and will share it freely. I might, in time, promote some of my murder mysteries along the way, but don’t hate me for it. (Hint: look to your right. They are right there…;-)) Remember, just because someone is selling, it doesn’t mean you have to buy. So please let me know what you think.

If you want to post a response, click the “Comment” button at the top of this article. Thanks

LC Wright

Holiday Ham

A few years ago, my wife called and asked if I would stop by the butcher’s shop and pick up a ham for the holiday dinner she was preparing. I told her that I would and proceeded to finish my day at the office.

After work, I stopped by the butcher’s shop and requested the prescribed item and then drove home.

My wife opened the package of ham and said, “Oh, no. Honey, you forgot to tell the butcher to cut off the end of the ham. It’s a tradition and I can’t cook it this way. You need to go back and take care of it.

“I don’t get it,” I replied. “Why is it necessary to cut off the end of a ham? It doesn’t make any sense.”

“I don’t know,” she replied. “But, that’s always the way we’ve always done it and I’m not about to change it now. I don’t want any evil coming around my home just because you were too lazy to do the right thing.”

“Well,” I said, “Your mother is in the living room. Let’s go ask her why you do it.”

My wife joined me as we went to ask about the ham tradition.

“I don’t know,” my mother-in-law said when asked about the longstanding dilemma. “That’s the way the way my mother taught me and it’s the way I’ll always do it. It’s tradition.”

More convinced than ever to get to the bottom of the mysterious ham cutting tradition, I said, “Let’s call, Grammy. Maybe she’ll know the answer.”

“Happy holiday’s, Grammy,” I said on the speakerphone. “We’ve got a problem that we were hoping you could help us with.”

“I will if I can,” Grammy replied. “What’s the problem?”

“Your granddaughter told me that I need to take our ham back to the butcher to cut the end off the ham. I had never heard of such a tradition and was wondering if you could enlighten us as to where the tradition came from. It has us baffled.

“Well,” Grammy said, “I can’t answer for anyone else. But for me I cut the end of the ham off because my roasting pan is too small.”cartoon-ham-26762220

Cartoon Physics

1. ANY BODY SUSPENDED IN SPACE WILL REMAIN SUSPENDED IN SPACE UNTIL MADE AWARE OF ITS SITUATION.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters flippantly until he chances to look down. At this point the familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes precedence.

2. ANY BODY IN MOTION WILL TEND TO REMAIN IN MOTION UNTIL SOLID MATTER INTERVENES SUDDENLY.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination the stooge’s surcease.

3. ANY BODY PASSING THROUGH SOLID MATTER WILL LEAVE A PERFORATION CONFORMING TO ITS PERIMETER.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of direct pressure explosions and reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house.

4. THE TIME REQUIRED FOR AN OBJECT TO FALL 20 STORIES IS GREATER THAN OR EQUAL TO THE TIME IT TAKES FOR WHOEVER KNOCKED IT OFF THE LEDGE TO SPIRAL DOWN 20 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS TO ATTEMPT TO CAPTURE IT UNBROKEN.
Such an object is inevitably priceless; the attempt to catch it, inevitably unsuccessful.

5. ALL PRINCIPLES OF GRAVITY ARE NEGATED BY FEAR.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them away from the surface. A spooky noise or an adversary’s signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a running character or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, ergo fleeing turns to flight.

6. AS SPEED INCREASES OBJECTS CAN BE SEEN IN SEVERAL DIFFERENT PLACES AT ONCE.
This is particularly true in tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character’s head may be seen emerging from a cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled, and simulates our own vision’s trailing retention of images. A “wacky” character has the option of self-replication only at maniac-high speeds and may ricochet off the walls to achieve the velocity required for self-mass-liberation.

7. CERTAIN BODIES CAN PASS THROUGH A SOLID WALL PAINTED TO RESEMBLE A TUNNEL ENTRANCE, OTHERS CANNOT.
This tompe l’oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall’s surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to pursue into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not science.

8. NECESSITY PLUS WILL PROVOKES SPONTANEOUS GENERATION.
Dangerously palpable objects – such as mallets, dynamite, pies and alluring female attire – can be manifested from what might previously have been considered “thin” air, but only when the friction of immediate jeopardy makes the object’s appearance imperative. The controversial “pocket” theory suggests these objects are drawn from unseen recesses of a character’s costume, or from a storehouse immediately off-screen, but this merely defers the question of how any absolutely apt object is instantaneously available.

9. ANY VIOLENT REARRANGEMENT OF FELINE MATTER IS IMPERMANENT.
Cartoon cats possess more deaths than even the traditional nine lives afford. They can be sliced, splayed, accordion-pleated or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self-pity, they re-inflate, elongate, snap back or solidify.

10. FOR EVERY VENGEANCE, THERE IS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REVENGEANCE.
This is one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

 

Hot Air

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

 

Been there and done that. If you like the way I share a laugh, give Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket a try. You’ll be glad you did. Click here (Kindle) or here (Paperback). Thanks

Taco Bell and the $2 Bill

On my way home from the second job I’ve taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my wallet is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with me.

“Hi, I’d like one seven layer burrito please, to go.”

“Is that it?”

“Yep.”

“That’ll be $1.04, eat here?”

“No, it’s to *go*.” [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and

“Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.”

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.

“Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?”

“No. A what?”

“A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.”

“Ask for something else, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL.”

IT: “Yeah, thought so.”

He comes back to me and says

“We don’t take these. Do you have anything else?”

“Just this fifty. You don’t take $2 bills? Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“See here where it says legal tender?”

“Yeah.”

“So, shouldn’t you take it?”

“Well, hang on a sec.”

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I’m going to shoplift, and

“He says I have to take it.”

“Doesn’t he have anything else?”

“Yeah, a fifty. I’ll get it and you can open the safe and get change.”

“I’M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE.”

“What should I do?”

“Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money.”

“I can’t tell him that, you tell him.”

“Just tell him.”

“No way, this is weird, I’m going in back.”

The manager approaches me and says

“Sorry, we don’t take big bills this time of night.” [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]

“Well, here’s a two.”

“We don’t take those either.”

“Why the hell not?”

“I think you know why.”

“No really, tell me, why?”

“Please leave before I call mall security.”

“Excuse me?”

“Please leave before I call mall security.”

“What the hell for?”

“Please, sir.”

“Uh, go ahead, call them.”

“Would you please just leave?”

“No.”

“Fine, have it your way then.”

“No, that’s Burger King, isn’t it?”

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]

“Yeah, Mike, what’s up?”

“This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.”

“Really? What?”

“Get this, a two dollar bill.”

“Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?” [incredulous]

“I don’t know? He’s kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty.”

“So, the fifty’s fake?”

“NO, the $2 is.”

“Why would he fake a $2 bill?”

“I don’t know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?”

“Yeah…”

Security guard walks over to me and says

“Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you’re trying to use.”

“Uh, no.”

“Lemme see ‘em.”

“Why?”

“Do you want me to get the cops in here?”

At this point I was ready to say, “SURE, PLEASE,” but I wanted to eat, so I said

“I’m just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.”

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says

“Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?”

“It’s fake.”

“It doesn’t look fake to me.”

“But it’s a **$2** bill.”

“Yeah?”

“Well, there’s no such thing, is there?”

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.

 

Finding fun stories is getting to be a lot of fun. But writing fun stories is even better. Get a copy of Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket and enjoy the mystery that’ll make you laugh. Click here (Kindle or here (Paperback). Thanks

What Chapter?

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn’t know what to do.  He goes to the Pastor to seek his advice.  He tells the Pastor about all of his problems in the business and asks the Pastor what he should do.

The Pastor says “Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water’s edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do.”

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water’s edge and opens the Bible. The wind rifles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and sees what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Pastor. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Pastor a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the church in order to thank the Pastor for his wonderful advice. The Pastor is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies: “Chapter 11.”

I appreciate you checking out one of the jokes I’ve posted. But if you want to read a great mystery with a lot of humor, check up and buy, Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. Click here (Kindle) or here (Paperback). You’ll love the characters. Thanks

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