L.C. Wright

Author

Month: September 2013 (page 2 of 2)

The Redneck Lawsuit

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer ?”

“Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

“And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin ‘em fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?”

“Sure is, Bubba.”

“And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gittin that hot coffee that she ordered?”

“Yep.”

“And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn’t read?”

“That’s right,” said the lawyer.”

“But why are you asking?”

“Well, I was thinkin . … what I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?”

 

Now that’s funny…I don’t care who you are. So…do you want to keep the humor coming in? Then try my book, Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. It’s a fun read that will keep you smiling. Check it out here (Kindle) or here (Paperback). Thanks. You’ll be happy about the smiles.

A Stinking Divorce

She spent the first day sadly packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down on the floor in the dining room by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp and caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She replaced the end caps on the curtain rods and cleaned up the kitchen. Then she moved out.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything from cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off poison gas, during which they had to move out for a few days. They even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her they were selling the house but did not tell the real reasons why. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea about the smell, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork for her to sign.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

 

I love it when a plan comes together. If you want to keep the laughs coming, get a copy of my book, Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. It has great characters and a lot of reasons to smile. Click here (Kindle) or here (Paperback). Thanks, and enjoy the fun.

A Wife’s Wishes

A despondent woman was walking along the beach when she saw a bottle on the sand. She picked it up and pulled out the cork. Whoosh! A big puff of smoke appeared.

“You have released me from my prison,” the genie told her. “To show my thanks, I grant you three wishes. But take care, for with each wish, your mate will receive double of whatever you request.”

“Why?” the woman asked. “That bum left me for another woman.”

“That is how it is written,” replied the genie.

The woman shrugged and then asked for a million dollars. There was a flash of light, and a million dollars appeared at her feet. At the same instant, in a far-off place, her wayward husband looked down to see twice that amount at his feet.

“And your second wish?”

“Genie, I want the world’s most expensive diamond necklace.” Another flash of light, and the woman was holding the precious treasure. And, in that distant place, her husband was looking for a gem broker to buy his latest bonanza.

“Genie, is it really true that my husband has two million dollars and more jewels that I do, and that he gets double of whatever I wish for?”

The genie said it was indeed true.

“Okay, genie, I’m ready for my last wish,” the woman said. “Scare me half to death.”

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The Very First Blond Guy Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.”

The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”

The blonde opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said,

“Don’t look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.”

 

Humor can be found anywhere. For a Mystery Book that has a lot of humor, get a copy of Monterey Madness – Mr. One Pocket. Click here (Kindle) or here (Paperback). You’ll be glad you did.

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